Being a Gentleman: A skin color affair?

Courtesy: The Gallante

I was rummaging through baby foods in the baby section of Target when I heard an interesting conversation between two ladies in the aisle across from where I was. African in accent and disposition I deduced since I am one myself. Having found the pureed sweet potatoes food I was looking for and of course, had heard enough gossip, it was time to head to check out. I smiled when I walked pass the ladies and they smiled back. The crux of the argument I eavesdropped on was that white men were better gentlemen than black men. They argued that on the average, white men displayed what was important about love, romance and commitment when in a relationship with you. Demonstrations a few black men interpret as vulnerability or even foolishness. So one concluded that in another life (if any) she will get married to a white man instead of another black brother…hilarious resolution.

Anyway, I was thinking about their conversation as I hurried over to check out with my impatient growing son and I came to this conclusion. It isn’t about a man being white or black, rather a question of being a gentleman. White or Black…who is a gentleman? Chris Haigh shares in his article: ‘10 things you need to be a gentleman’ that a gentleman is ‘someone who never hurts anyone’s feelings intentionally’. A man who is courteous and of good conduct. He however concluded the article with the reservation that there are hardly gentlemen in the 21^st century or at least, the term has been redefined and men of this century need to step up their game. On the basis of this definition, the ladies came to a consensus that white men are better gentlemen.

I on the other hand think it’s a matter of choice. Knowing what the qualities of a gentleman are and choosing to adopt them in your relationships or marriages. 

NOTE: Adopt them, not just knowing them. I believe that’s where the difference lies.

I went on and did some digging and discovered that starting from the days of dating, to courtship and then marriage; white men are perceived to be ‘gentlemen’. They out rightly indicate an interest of being in a relationship with you. This means: asking you out on a proper date, offering to take care of the bill, explicitly discussing his intentions and showing other kind gestures to indicate his emotions towards you. On the contrary, many black men are seen to begin a date with asking to come over to your apartment, eat some home-made meal, watch some TV or some other casual hangout and hope that you decipher his intentions afterwards without necessarily spelling it out.

So I reached out to a few friends for their views on the 21^st century gentlemen and they had these points to share, though their final thoughts were that such men are very scarce because most men still live in the past.

A gentleman shows you the ropes of dating and the significance of marriage alongside the following characteristics but not limited to these.

Respect: This is high up on the list of every man but they seem to forget that it is a mutual requirement. Respect is the foundation of most qualities desired by a woman and should be the framework of the characteristics of a gentleman. You can’t mistreat a lady and refuse the same treatment. Nor should you speak to her condescendingly and expect adulation in return.

Provide Support: The little things count the most. While women appreciate all the professional hard work and financial support/contributions, little things like compliments, helping with chores/kids, buying small gifts, spending quality time matter most. It shows presence of mind, togetherness and total commitment.

Feeling of entitlement: The sun actually rises and sets with both the man and woman (metaphorically), so gentlemen wouldn’t act like the world revolved around them.

Generosity: It should be a given as love can’t be expressed without gifts…financial, material and support.

Faithfulness & Integrity: You are only respected as much as you are reliable. A gentlemen says what he means and stands by what he says in actions.

Empathy & Emotional Intelligence: Knowing what to say or do at the right time and being sensitive enough to make your spouse feel loved and comfortable around you.

Open-mindedness: This quality is highly present in an interracial mix hence the perception of whites being better gentlemen. So our African men need to ease up on the stereotypical thinking of his way being the best.

I conclude with these views from American science fiction author, Robert .A. Heinlein. He said a gentleman should be a jack of all trades. He should be willing to learn and know how to: make a meal, balance accounts; change diapers, repair damages at home; wash the car, bath the kids; give and take orders; act alone and cooperate. Importantly, he should have manners. And manners must not be forced or expensive. Rather they should make your spouse feel better for being around or with you.